Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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