haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
