did you get engaged???
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
The power of my boobs compel you
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
