I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
