lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
