Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
