I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize