someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
