i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
