We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
