had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
