cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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