"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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