I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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