You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Randomize
