My hand turned me down
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize