Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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