You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
