Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
