What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
