Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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