If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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