allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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