I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
