if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
