Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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