What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
