i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Pooping to opera.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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