Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
