1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
