please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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