The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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