hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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