I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
