I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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