i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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