I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
