R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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