remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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