Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize