News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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