We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
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