Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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