just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
