I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
