Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize