two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
