If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize