someone threw a dead crab at me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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