i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
