She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
