just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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