Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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