Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
