I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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