My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
